Muppets: What the F*ck are They?
Sep 9
3 min read
I love the Muppets and all things Muppet-adjacent. The movies, The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, even interviews with the Muppets. Especially old interviews with Jim Henson. There's something magical that happens during an interview. He gives them so much life that interviewers naturally talk to the puppet. Even the audience is glued to a bundle of fabric-covered foam at the end of his masterful hands.
That being said, I have a question: What the fuck are they?
Take this interview, for example. Arsenio Hall is interviewing Jim Henson, Kermit, and Rowlf. In the below clip, Rowlf acknowledges being a puppet. He explains that he is a puppet, and that he has one puppeteer who only has two hands, which is why one of his arms is in a sling.
So they're puppets, right? Except, the above suggests a level of sapience. Rowlf is a dog and Rowlf knows he's a puppet. Yet, if he knows he's a puppet, what does that actually make him? What does that make me? Am I a less-aware puppet than Rowlf?
Maybe I'm overthinking this.
Another example from the greatest adaptation of all time, The Muppet Christmas Carol. If you haven't seen it, what are you doing here? How did you find this before watching that masterpiece? Go, do that now.
OK, now that you've fixed that I can continue...
In the movie Kermit (playing Bob Cratchett) is married to Miss Piggy and they have children, presumably, together. Kermit is a frog. Miss Piggy is, well, a pig. Their children, though, are not genetic, chimeric monstrosities. The boy children are frogs and the girl children are pigs. Which suggests Kermit and Miss Piggy are, in fact, some kind of other species with extreme sexual dimorphism where the males look like frogs and the females look like pigs.
If that's true, though, what's up with Pigs in Space? Link Hogthrob and Dr. Julius Strangepork are both male-coded, suggesting either sexual dimorphism isn't present, or that they are both trans male Muppets. And what about the actual humans wanting to get some of that sweet, felty action?
Nicky Holiday (Charles Groden) and Miss Piggy in The Great Muppet Caper (yes, he was using her, but still), Raquel Welch seducing Fozzie on The Muppet Show, suggesting he join her in her dressing room (Fozzie, I'll remind you, is a bear Muppet, not even a person Muppet), Captain Flint (David Nicholls) and Miss Piggy and Long John Silver (Tim Curry) and Miss Piggy both from Muppet Treasure Island. John Denver and Miss Piggy. Taye Diggs and Miss Piggy. Josh Groban, Liam Hemsworth...honestly, Miss Piggy can get it, apparently.
Forget Wilbur, she's the real "some pig."
I am definitely overthinking this, but I can't stop there.
What is any discussion about the Muppets without mentioning The Great Gonzo? A blue weirdo turkey whatever alien thing in a long-term, committed relationship with Camilla, a chicken. Not a chicken like Rowlf is a dog or Kermit is a frog or Miss Piggy is a pig or Gonzo is a blue weirdo turkey whatever alien thing. Camilla is just a chicken (JUST a chicken? How dare you!) Which presents a whole host of questions about consent that I am not prepared to delve into here.
All of that barely scratches the surface of the Muppets. There's Beaker, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's poor, abused, person-adjacent Muppet assistant. Sam the Eagle. Animal. Fozzy the Bear. There's also people Muppets: The Swedish Chef, Statler and Waldorf, Scooter, Walter, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, possibly Doctor Teeth, though I'm not convinced he or any members of the band are people. I am convinced they were all high as balls, though.
So, are they all one species with wildly different physical traits? Like how Great Danes, Chihuahuas, Chows, and Bassett Hounds are all dogs.
But Rowlf is also a dog...
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